Letting Her Go
by HalfHope
Summary: Today I'm marrying Katniss Everdeen. Tonight I'm letting her go. Peeta's POV from the first chapter of I Do


**A/N This is a little something I wrote for Fandoms Fight Tsunamis. I posted Almost Believing instead of this, but I recently got a PM from bookish327 asking about it. And I realized as some people missed the deadline to donate, it only seemed fair to post this. So here's Peeta's POV from the first chapter of I Do. I hope you enjoy! :)**

Never had I pictured my wedding day like this. At least, not until the night I proposed to Katniss on stage. Before then, I did dream about marrying her. I dreamed of seeing her in a dress, not those awful reaping dresses, but the kind women in Twelve rented for their wedding. Her mother would put up her hair, of course. I'd be able to get my dad to spare a small cake despite my mother's protests and I would spend the day before working on it to relieve my jitters. Then I would take her to the Justice Building, where we would marry. And afterwards, with her face lit from the flames of the fire, surrounded by our friends and family, we would have a toasting. And she would be mine.

Yes, I am marrying Katniss Everdeen today. But she isn't mine.

"You look so handsome!" Candida sighs as she finishes applying the powder to my face. Thankfully, I still keep my dignity and the make-up is just for the cameras. Still, Sabellius had eyed the colorful pallet while they did their minimal work on me.

"Aw, just _so handsome_!" I hear my brother Jam's mocking voice from behind. I turn and roll my eyes at Jam. Our oldest brother, Jonah, walks in beside him, smirking at the front-row seats of my beautification.

"We still have to do you two," Sabellius says, coming at them with cream.

"What?" Jam's face falls as my prep team descends on them. Now it's my turn to laugh. But even as I watch my brothers flailing to escape and their utter disgust for the cosmetics, the sound rings hollow. This will be the hardest thing I have to do. Marry Katniss, and then give her up.

I hadn't talked to Katniss about it. Haymitch wasn't sure whether or not we'd be able to get the proper paperwork for it, and to do so secretly. But with Effie's insider help, we may be able to get it through. Still no word on if it would work, which is why I didn't tell Katniss. No point in getting her hopes up. But I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out. Maybe we could just be unofficially unmarried?

Either way, tonight I'm letting her go.

When the prep team leaves, finished with my brothers, it's just the three of us waiting in the room, our tuxes uncomfortable compared to the free, short-sleeved clothing we wore in the bakery.

"So Peeta," Jam grins, amusement settled in his eyes. "How are you feeling about tonight?"

"Tonight?" I ask.

"Jeez, you're thick," Jonah says. "_Tonight._ Your _wedding night_."

"Oh." I honestly hadn't thought about _that_. That didn't seem like a possibility. I'm sure Katniss would be dead-set against it, and honestly, I was, too. Why bother if the feelings were one-sided?

"Oh?" Jam raises his eyebrows. "You're going to do _it_ for the first time and all you say is 'oh'?"

"I'm just…I'm…" I try to find the words to explain. _Heartbroken. A sacrificial idiot._ But my brothers don't know. No one but Haymitch, Effie, and myself know, along with whomever they've had to butter up along the way.

"Nervous?" Jam puts on that stupid smirk of his again.

"Right," I lean back in my seat, finished with attempting to be honest about it.

"Well first thing to know is you gotta cut that gentle crap," Jam says. "Girls don't want some tame coward. Whatever you pulled out in the Games to make this girl fall for you will not work in bed."

"And your experience?" Jonah raises an eyebrow at our brother. "All of those pillows in your room?"

"Shut up!" Jam smacks him, Jonah reacting too late. Jam glares. "It's not like you and Narie have done anything."

"Done more than you have," Jonah says. "And don't listen to Jam, Peeta. Girls want that gentle touch, too. But that doesn't mean-"

"Got it," I say, getting depressed the more they try to give me advice for something that I'll never even do. "Besides, I think the only one really qualified to be giving me advice in our family is Dad, anyway."

Jam makes a guttural noise of disgust, and even Jonah's nose wrinkles.

"Oh come on, there's three of us. What, do you think the stork just dropped us off?" I say, which makes Jam sound like he's choking on vomit while Jonah's face indicates he'd prefer to drop the subject.

"Talking to Dad wouldn't be the brightest idea anyway," Jonah says. "Do you really want to use the same moves on Katniss that Dad uses on Mother?"

If I were to put any moves on Katniss, no, I wouldn't.

"Point taken," I say, laughing as for once the subject of sex makes Jam squirm in his seat.

"What are you girls giggling about?" Haymitch asks, coming into the room. He's cleaned up for today, sober enough to function, bathed, shaved, and put in one of those suits he hates so much.

"Ask Jam," I nod over to my brother. He groans and gives me a kick, but it lands on my prosthetic leg, which still jolts, but doesn't hurt.

"Well, they're ready for you all to line up," Haymitch says. "Jam, Jonah, you go on ahead while I talk to Peeta."

Jonah chortles, "Looks like you're getting the talk from Haymitch!"

Jam bursts laughing again, he and Jonah exiting the door. I turn to Haymitch without the slightest bit of humor. This has to be about the annulment papers.

"Effie says we've got them secured," Haymitch says. "It's just going to take someone delivering them. But I'll get them to you by the end of the night."

I nod. "Thanks Haymitch."

He doesn't respond at first. He just stares at me with disapproval in his eyes, and shakes his head slightly.

"She's an idiot you know," Haymitch says. "She's in love with you, but she's too stubborn to see. But she would. If you weren't so damned unselfish."

"She's had enough time to see if she loves me or not," I say. "And she doesn't. Besides, I'll always be there for her. She knows that."

"You're an idiot, too," Haymitch says. "Damned selfless idiot."

Haymitch turns around and leaves the room. I follow him out. Once I'm through the doors, a Capitol attendant hurries me to the front of the aisle. Prim and Madge stand beside Jam and Jonah, but I don't see Katniss. Not yet.

"Go!" I get hissed at in that stupid accent as the doors pull open.

Everyone here is dressed in colors so bright, costumes so outrageous, that it's not hard to spot the few visitors from District 12: my parents and Katniss' mother. I see from the corner of my eye that President Snow is here, also standing out in his plain suit and a white rose in his lapel. I get to the front of the aisle, where the marriage maker stands. The ring bearer follows behind me and he takes his place to the side. I watch Madge and Jonah walk down, followed by Prim and Jonas. Then the doors open wide, and I see her.

Her skirt is so full Haymitch can barely walk beside her arm in arm. Her olive skin contrasts against the white fabric, pearls shining along the neckline of the dress. My eyes finally travel up to her face, and I hate the stupid Capitol tradition of putting a veil over the bride. I can see her smile, can sense how contrived it is, but I can't see into her eyes. Not enough.

Seeing her, though, knowing she's walking toward me to bind our lives together is too much. I'm marrying her. Even if it's just to protect our families, she's coming to me. But the brief elation crashes when I know she's never wanted me. And we may be getting married, but we're also getting an annulment by the end of the night.

When Haymitch slaps me on the shoulder and then puts Katniss' small but strong hand in mine, I come back to the moment. For now, I just have to get through this ceremony. I lead Katniss to where the marriage maker awaits.

I hardly listen to the man as he makes a speech. I catch words like "love" and "faithful" and "forever" but the actual meaning becomes lost. Instead, I observe Katniss from the corner of my eye, standing tall and straight, unsmiling, but so beautiful.

Thankfully, I'm alert enough as to hear the marriage maker say, "And now, for the vows."

I face Katniss, and she follows my lead, clearly startling her out of whatever world she had been in that head of hers. I half-listen to the vows. They mean nothing to me. They'll be over soon enough, done away with the annulment. In my head though, I make different promises to her.

_I won't hold you back anymore, Katniss. I promise I'll make you happy, no matter what it costs me. I'll always be your friend, I'll always be there for you. I'll never forget you._

And then, though it hurts, because I know it's true, I add, _I'll always and only love you._

"I do," I say. The ring bearer approaches, and I fit the ring onto her outstretched finger. A useless symbol the Capitol made us go through because it was the way they did things. But it wasn't how we showed our love in Twelve. We didn't need rings.

The words are repeated for Katniss. Tears come down her cheeks, and I want to wipe every one away. I want to make her stop hurting. But I can't until tonight.

"I do," she says in a trembling voice, but her hands secure my own ring around my finger.

"Then Peeta Mellark, you may kiss your bride!"

Katniss smiles at me, and I have to be impressed with how much she's improved her act. She almost looks happy as I take her in my arms and begin kissing her. Since I know this will be my only time to kiss her as my wife, I bring in every minute of it, fill myself with her. What happens tonight will come, but for now, I might as well pretend we're happy.

Hundreds of pictures follow in every pose imaginable with family, wedding parties, designers and prep teams, coupled and alone. My eyes seem blinded as we climb into the car to go to President Snow's mansion for the reception.

There, we have dinner, greet guests, do all sorts of silly Capitol traditions like shoving cake in each other's mouths and kissing whenever the party clinked their glasses together, and in their drunken states they become more and more eager for it. I endure it all. I pretend to enjoy it. I try to enjoy it. But as I hold Katniss close as we dance, I couldn't be more distraught.

I guess part of me had always been like Haymitch. Hoping maybe she'd love me, too. Eventually, with time. But as the wedding came closer and she withdrew from everyone whenever it was mentioned, I knew that wouldn't be the case. She would never love me. Not enough to be my wife.

Someone taps on my shoulder, and I'm about to mask my annoyance of interrupting what precious little time I have with Katniss with a good-natured joke until I see that it's Snow.

"Peeta, may I dance with your wife?" He asks.

_No,_ I want to say. _I'm not going to let you touch her. _But in the end, I nod. What else, really, can I do?

I hover at the wing, smiling at people as they pass by and congratulate me, but my eyes stay on Katniss. She tries to keep a smile on her face for the act, but their conversation must be more troubling than I could even imagine, because her face straightens into seriousness and her eyes produce a hint of fear, although she tries to cover it. The song finishes, and he kisses her on the cheek. I want to hit him for touching her like that.

I'm already walking back toward her, worried about what he said to upset her. She stares absently at the floor. I take hold of her arms and she looks up at me. "Katniss? Are you all right?"

Of course she isn't. She hurls herself into my chest, covering her face in my suit. I let her use me as a shield while she composes herself. I keep her tight in my arms, determined to ward off anyone who might hurt her.

Eventually, she backs out and smiles like nothing even happened. I keep up with her appearance as well, grinning and laughing and dancing. The night can't pass by soon enough.

When Portia and Cinna come to get us, we follow them and then separate for our run-away. In the room Portia has laid out plain slacks and a button-up blue shirt with a jacket. Portia always said she liked me in blue and that it brought out my eyes even more.

"Haymitch wanted me to give this to you," Portia says once she's helped me into my jacket. She holds out a plain envelope and I take it, quickly opening it to make sure it's what I want. And it is. We've managed to get the annulment papers. I won't be married to Katniss by the end of the night. A strange bittersweet fills me. I wish she could have loved me, even in the slightest. But she can't. So this is the next best possibility for her.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Portia kisses me on the cheek and smoothes the fabric on my shoulders.

"She's lucky to have you, you know," Portia tells me. I don't know why everyone says this. She's not lucky, she's cursed. But that curse won't last much longer.

I wait for Katniss at the top of the stairs. The door opens and she steps out in a magnificent dress that flows to her knees, with the straps off of her shoulders, exposing her defined clavicle. I begin to smile at her, but I can't. Why couldn't she have just loved me?

She takes my hand, stares up at me solemnly before we put on our Capitol façade to descend the stairs and out the door, surrounded by cheering people. We give them one last kiss before we climb onto the chariot they have waiting for us. My stomach curdles seeing it. I hate these chariots.

People line the streets to see us pass by, calling out our names and good wishes. Katniss cleaves onto my hand, and we wave and throw kisses and kiss each other. The act is exhausting.

Finally, we arrive at the hotel they've arranged for our honeymoon. It's clearly the fanciest in the Capitol with everything shiny and new. The workers there are ready to make us accommodated.

"We've arranged for you to have the highest floor for your suite. It's our very best room," a worker with tattoos swirling on her cheeks says to us, giving the two of us a wink.

Another attendant has in hand two stemmed glasses and a bottle of champagne. He hands them to us and says, "Courtesy of President Snow himself."

The president should really stop acting like he loves us. We're nothing more than a threat he has to suppress.

We take the gift, though, and ride the elevator up to the top floor, not speaking. It would be best for me to tell her at the beginning, so she can stop looking so frightened. Any novice to Katniss wouldn't think it, because she masks her emotions so well, but you have to look at her hands to get a sense of her emotions. The way she clutches the two glasses right now narrows down her emotions to two things: anger or fear. But since Katniss rarely holds back her anger, she must be scared. Of being stuck with me for the rest of her life.

The room is set up for what you'd think the standard couple would want for their first night as husband and wife. A large, plushy bed, seductive music, and lights dimmed down. I put down the champagne and Katniss places the glasses by it. I'm not in the mood for the champagne, and Katniss doesn't seem to be either. I step closer to her, because the distance she's put between us is much too far for any normal conversation.

"Katniss-"

"I want to go freshen up in the bathroom first, please," She cuts in, her eyes earnest.

I'm startled, but nod my head. She hurries away, practically running as she slams the door shut. I hear the water turn on and sigh, figuring it'll be a while. I read through the papers we've got to make sure nothing is out of place. I don't understand much of the jargon, but what I do want is there. The marriage that took place today will no longer be viewed as a legal marriage by the country of Panem.

Satisfied, I take out a pen and sign my name at the bottom. I've done my part. Now, it's just time for Katniss to do hers. I imagine the smile that will light her face. She'll probably hug me, maybe kiss me she'll be so happy. Our first and only kiss that she'll ever truly mean.

The water's been turned off, but Katniss doesn't come out. I wait, and wait. Minutes pass. Quarter of an hour, half an hour. My patience wears thin and I knock on the door.

"Katniss?" I say. "Can I come in? You've been in there a while."

"Come in." Her voice is so soft I can barely hear through the door.

Her long, dark hair is wet and loose around her, a robe is thrown over her body, as she sits on the floor, slumped and struggling. Now I'm happier than ever I got the annulment papers, although, it's still a blow to see her so distraught. It wouldn't have been _that _awful, would it?

Then, my eye catches something black and limp that she holds on her lap.

"What do you have in your hand?" I ask her.

Without looking me in the eye, she raises her arms so that the black thing takes a form. Low cut, revealing, and covered with lace, I can't believe Katniss is even holding something like that. She didn't…did she really…no.

"I'm sorry Peeta," she says, dropping her hands and the lingerie. "I just…I can't do it. I'm not ready yet."

The meager distance she had been able to lift her eyes falls to her lap again as tears spill out. She thought that I'd expect her to sleep with me. That's what she's been so frightened about. I hurry over to her, dropping to my knees and holding her to me. She lets out one sob, muffled in my shirt.

"Katniss," I say. "Katniss, I don't expect that from you. I didn't think that tonight…oh, Katniss."

I can feel her calm come over as I keep my embrace around her. She relaxes in my arms, and the relief is immeasurable. No wonder she'd been so frightened coming up here.

"I did want to talk to you, though," I say.

She backs out, her eyes still red. "What is it?"

Now. Now is when I have to let her go. It's hurting me more than it should. My heart shouldn't be pierced so hard about this. I'd prepared for it. I'd made it happen. I'd _wanted _it even.

"I know you don't want this, Katniss," I say, not able to look at her. "That's why I had Haymitch get me some papers."

"Papers?"

I figure it's best to just show her. I pull her up and lead her out of the bathroom to where I left the papers, on a table. I hand them to her. She glances up at me once and begins to read, her eyebrows descending farther down to her eyes.

"Annulment of marriage?" She asks, looking at me with confusion. "But…we have to. The Capitol-"

"Look, we put on their show. We got married. Well, they never said we had to stay married," I say, hot anger flashing through my veins.

"They'll notice if in two months we aren't together anymore when the Games come around."

I shrug. "We'll act, just like we always have."

"I'm going to have to get pregnant, Peeta. I think we should be married for that," Katniss says. She had shared with me her fear of being forced to have children, and how those children would go into the Games. But, there is a simple enough solution to that problem.

"I'm not the only person who can get you pregnant, Katniss," I remind her. In her eyes, I can see her thoughts flicker back to Gale for a moment.

"What exactly is your crazy plan Peeta?"

"This. You sign the papers. I have already, so we just need your signature. We aren't married anymore and we go on living our lives. You marry Gale. You have his children. Whenever the cameras come around, we pretend otherwise. We act married, show them your beautiful children, and mentor for District Twelve."

"People will notice if Gale's living with me and you're away," Katniss says.

I shrug in return. "Who are we fooling back in District Twelve anyway? Everyone knows the whole thing was a stage. But they aren't angry enough to rebel."

Her eyes drop down to the papers. She's hesitant. Maybe she's worried about Snow. But I'm not. It's all about appearance, and we'll still appear to be married. Katniss is more important to me than that.

"Sign them, Katniss," I tell her, handing her the pen. "It's okay. It'll make you happy."

She stands there, staring at the papers for a long time, her brow thick with thoughts. I don't know why she's waiting for anything. Maybe she's making sure there isn't a trick between the lines. She is a very cautious person. But I hadn't caught anything, and Haymitch hadn't either.

Finally, her gaze lifts and slides to my side. Then, she's walking past me. I turn my head to follow her, confused by the determination on her face. She goes to the fireplace and flicks on the switch so flames ignite. Then, she tosses the papers in the fire. Those papers we'd all gone through so much to get, just to give her some happiness. I hurry over to her, shocked.

"Katniss!" I say. "What are you doing?"

"That wouldn't make me happy," She turns round to face me, her arms folded. "I can't do that. I can't keep on pretending my life is one way when it's really another. I couldn't do that to you or to Gale."

"But you'll be pretending anyway. You'll still have to pretend you're in love with me once a year. Why not be happy with Gale the rest of the year?" I ask her.

"And why would I be more happy with Gale than with you?" She asks.

Is she really making me say it? My heart twists in anguish as I remind her, "Because you love him."

She nods. "That's true. I do love Gale. But Peeta…" Her gaze drops a bit, her features scrunched in concentration until they smooth as she says, "Haven't you ever thought that I love you, too?"

I stop. I can't believe it. She doesn't mean it, she can't. We've spent all of this time together, and at most she's only considered her feelings for me as a friend. This wedding wouldn't have been so painful for her if it was true. She must be fearful of the Capitol still. That's why she's saying it.

"Katniss, you don't have to say that if you don't mean it," I say. I don't want her to feel obligated to say she loves me just because she thinks we have to continue with this.

"I do," She insists. "I love you."

"But you didn't want to get married."

She shrugs, not denying it. "No. But that doesn't make my feelings for you any less real."

I take one step toward her. She doesn't look scared anymore. I take another. Her grey eyes meet mine. They're sincere. I don't know if she really loves me, not yet at least, but something may be forming inside of her. Maybe we can make it work out.

I find myself raising my hand, and I let my fingers caress her face. She lets me, too, without a hint of hesitation or discomfort. Her eyes flutter closed and she sighs. Then she opens her eyes again, and I lean in to kiss her, just brushing her lips. But she brings us together more, kissing me on her own will for the first time.

Nothing and yet everything changes that night. We still only sleep with one another as we did before, wrapped in each others arms and warmth. But for the first time, I see a way into Katniss' heart. I see the beginning of our life together, of maybe even sparing a moment or two for happiness.

But I know now that I am not letting her go.


End file.
